As a part of trying new things, I spent a weekend at a Yoga retreat in March, only to discover that it was Hari Krishna oriented and staffed by volunteers. At least the vegan food was yummy. As many instructors talked about the light within us, the heart chakra, and being a pure soul spirit, I imagined what a BJR-led yoga class might sound like.
Welcome to today’s class. Hopefully you’ve brought a mat, and some water, and a deeply skeptical attitude towards our world and those green Lululemon tights you’re parading around in.
If you are looking forward to a deep hour of connection that shines your inner light upon the world, please inhale deeply, then as you exhale, roll up your mat and get out of my class. Namaste. Sorry, I meant “you cannot stay.” Please perform the poses “left foot, right foot, left foot, right…” there you go.
Please meet me on the mat, and start in child’s pose. Think back to your time as a child, and realise how little you knew back then, and how in all likelihood you know even less now. Breathe into your ignorance. Think about any children you have, and what harm you have done to them and to the world by bringing them into it. Relax your hips, hopefully they won’t be birthing any more babies or fathering any.
First and foremost, remember you are a sack of meat controlled by hormones, evolutionary instinct, including the desire to procreate. Stop looking at the shapely behind whose yoga pants are one size too small in front of you and focus on the breath. Ahem — I think it was clear that I meant your breath and not the breathing of the person in front of you.
Breathe in, and be curious about your purpose.
Breathe out, and realise that there is no purpose to anything you do.
But breathe in that if you don’t create some artificial purpose in your life, be it religion, sports, politics, career, family, or Wordle, your psyche and subconscious are going to come for you with knives out.
Breathe out and realise that you’re trapped. There is only one exit from this yoga class, and only one exit from life.
You can feel incredibly anxious now if it is part of your practice.
Let’s flow through a simple Vinyasa, and then pause for several breaths in downward facing dog, or Adho Mukha Shvanasana. As you inhale, feel the weight of your useless body on your hands and your feet. Exhale the imaginary beings in your mind; the Easter bunny, god, the soul, spirituality, Boba Fett, and the characters in Bridgerton.
Swing your right foot behind you into three legged dog, and then bring it forward to set up for crescent pose, or Anjaneyasana. I use these Sanskrit words in our class because I forked out $1000 for months of yoga teacher training and still can’t do a @#$% simple headstand, so I need to show that I got something out of it.
Now collapse completely onto the floor, in a pose I like to call Carne Asada.
Feel free to bang your head against the ground if it is in your practice.
Come back to a seated position, and facing me, your teacher, show some gratitude that I didn’t point out all the strange things about your feet. If your credit card for this class has been declined, please prepare for the pose “getting butt kicked by angry yoga teacher.”